“It was just sex”
What a popular phrase. Have you heard it in your life? Maybe a television show or movie? When a phrase like “it was just sex” becomes common (and I can guarantee you that in the time since you began reading this at least two people had spoken these words), so too does its attitude: sex is just one of many activities, and only has romantic significance if the persons engaged add this extra sentiment on to an initially a-romantic activity.
Is it possible for it to ever be “just sex?” No, I am not asking if it is possible to find two sexual partners who are able to engage in sex as a purely a-romantic activity. This is a psychological possibility. What I am after is the physical possibility.
Behind each physical act there is a sign; there is a something to which the act points. Slapping someone across the face, regardless of the intent, is a sign of disrespect. “I will injure that which identifies you as a person, as human, and you as you.” Yes, it can be done comically, but it is only funny if, and only if, both parties respect each other. The slap is done ironically. “I will show a sign of disrespect to you, but we will laugh about it because we both know that I actually respect you and that I would never do this seriously.” If The Three Stooges did not care, did not respect each other, but slapped each other unironically…we would be watching something sad, a falling apart of a friendship, and not a piece of comedy.
What is behind the sex act? If there is a sign behind each physical act then there is no such thing as “just sex”, there is always something being pointed to. There is always a signified to each signifier. To have sex with someone is to present oneself naked before the other. Naked and completely vulnerable. No longer is the body covered up and protected, now it is exposed. It surely means something that the word “naked” has two main meanings in English, the first is the absence of clothing, and the second is being in a state of vulnerability. Nakedness is both of these, always the later and only sometimes the former. Despite what I might say, no matter how sincerely I tell her “It is just sex”, I am telling her with my body, “I present myself completely vulnerable before you and I trust you enough that I do not need to worry about you hurting me in my exposed state.” Like two turtles without a shell, the couples present themselves to each other. Behind each sex act the body is saying “I trust you.” Underneath each “It is only sex”, is “I give myself, at my most vulnerable state, to you.” I cannot escape it. No matter how hard I will the act to be merely an activity, I am always making a profound statement of trust. Never mind that I never spoke to her again, at that moment I committed myself to her as a husband commits himself to his wife. At the end of the day, even if my lips do not say it, even if it does not enter my mind, I am saying “I love you.”
I definitely felt this one on a few levels.